Chris Kluwe: Will you be our baby daddy?

Dear Chris Kluwe,

I’m so sorry to bother you.  As the unofficial spokesperson for tolerance in professional sports in the wake of the DOMA decision, and with your first book – Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies – hitting shelves last month, your dance card is undoubtably full.

But now that lesbian couples across the nation have been given the official thumbs up from the Supreme Court to act on their instinctual desire to rapidly nest, I know there’s not a moment to lose!  I’m certain that I’m not the first gay female to have this idea; I can only hope that I’m the first to ask:

Chris Kluwe, will you be our baby daddy?

Do U Like 2 Text?

I was rifling through the San Diego Reader recently in search of my favorite crossword puzzle when I came across this real life ad:

After immediately taking a picture of it to text to my friend Jenny and upload on Facebook, I began to make notes in my iPhone about our society’s troubling obsession with mobile devices.

Smelling Roses

I have two computer monitors at work.  Sometimes I wish I had three, or four, or as many as I could possibly fit within the rotational range of my neck.

I am, like all cubicle monkeys, a master of simultaneous activity.

If a coworker doesn’t immediately answer my chat question, I turn to my other monitor to shoot an email to a client, and while it sends, I “thumbs down” that terrible song Pandora has the audacity to suggest to me a second time.  During all of these activities I have also been processing a long list of data changes.  It takes about three seconds for the screen to refresh between each update, and I have been making the most of that time.

At the office, my efficiency is an asset.  I can fragment my mind into a billion tiny rooms and dart in and out of them at lightning speed.  The problem is, my multi-tasking has spilled over into my actual life, and I find this very disturbing.

I guess I’m a dirty hippie

Dear Mother Earth,

I have always associated your preservation with a certain level of misery.  I was raised in a household where your name was often mentioned when my childhood pleasures were being restricted.  Growing up without Lunchables, a well-packaged treat that is apparently an “ecological disaster,” is not a hardship I’m ready to forgive you for.  Let’s just say I have always liked you WAY less than my other parent, Father Christmas.

As I got older, I began to understand the importance of respecting you, but caring for you became no less miserable.  My feelings toward you now also included guilt.  Every time I did something that I knew hurt you – like driving my own car to work when both of my roommates worked in the same building – I felt myself having to defend myself to you for my bad behavior.

“Sorry, but we all have slightly different sleep patterns!  I recycle, what more do you want from me?!”

I wanted to make you happy, but what I was doing was never enough.

Well Mother E., after years of resentment and guilt, I’m writing to tell you that I’ve recently had a revelation: being a good daughter to you actually requires way less effort than I thought!

It all started when we made a compost bin.  First of all, drilling holes into a plastic container and cutting out its bottom with a utility knife is the most enjoyable thing I have ever done on your behalf.  Second, it turns out that composting is not that nasty or hard!  I thought saving you would smell like an alley in Ocean Beach and take up a lot of my precious crossword time.  Actually, I walk a shorter distance to our compost bin than I do to the trash can and it just smells sorta earthy.  Third, did you know how much shit you can actually compost?  Coffee grounds, tea bags, paper towels; every time I turn around Kristy is showing me something else that I have incorrectly directed toward a landfill rather than back into your blessed loins.  I find that neat.

Go on, say it. "It's breathtaking".

This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write

Dear Samsung Flip Phone,

I’m going to be frank – I’ve been unhappy for some time now.  It’s silly for me to hang around hoping you’ll change when you are just as unreliable and low-achieving as you were when we met four years ago.  One minute you’re fine, the next minute you’re going on about your low battery, unable to complete the simplest tasks.  I know it’s only a matter of time before you shut down completely, and I don’t want to be around for that.

You should know that I’ve been cheating on you with my work phone for months now.  It was never serious – just the occasional call or text – always when I was angry with you.  I know Blackberry is totally wrong for me, but sometimes it’s nice to be with a GROWN-UP phone – one that can satisfy my basic needs.  I’m not proud of it, but my willingness to be unfaithful was the first sign that something needed to change.

Dear Sports Radio Hosts

Dear Sports Radio Hosts,

Let me start by saying that I LOVE sports radio.  I listen to your programs every morning and on my way home from work.  I listen to sports radio more than I actually watch sports, which I’ll admit is weird.

So please, understand that I am coming to you as a fan (as opposed to a crazy, ranting feminist) when I tell you that your coverage of women’s sports doesn’t make you sound like an educated analyst; it makes you sound like a valued member of Ron Burgundy’s news team.

I hear your ads for male virility drugs and dad friendly divorce lawyers and I understand that I am a minority listener.  I would never ask you to give women’s sports an equal share of your air time.  In fact, I’m not even writing to ask you to report on women’s sports more.  I’m actually asking you to mention them LESS.

It seems like there are only two acceptable ways to approach the topic of women’s sports in your industry.  You can,

1) Comment on how they are inferior to men’s sports, or
2) Comment on how hot and/or un-hot the athletes are

They say no press is bad press, but if I was a professional athlete, I think I’d pass on either option.

The Top 5 Things that Ruined My Commute Today

1. The Radio Traffic Report

Delivering a traffic report in Southern California is like telling a person being tortured, “Hey, you’re being tortured!  Specifically, you’re being waterboarded, and it appears you’ll continue to be waterboarded for the next forty five minutes!”

You would never give a bus report notifying riders that “The 34 has standing room only this afternoon, and smells faintly of vomit!”  Stating the obvious to a powerless audience is unnecessary and mean spirited.

When I’m sitting at a dead stop on the freeway, I don’t need to be told that “traffic is sticky through the Golden Triangle.”  It’s 5:30 PM on a weekday and it’s raining.  The Golden Triangle looks like a scene from an apocalyptic movie where everyone is fleeing a burning city at the same time.  Just like yesterday.  There is no need to call the futility of my situation to my attention every fifteen minutes.

I hate you slightly less than morning show DJs.

The Office Handbook: A Guide for the Reluctant Corporate Employee – Chapter 4

Introduction
Chapter 1: Combating Office Awkwardness
Chapter 2: The Fundamentals of Office Real Estate
Chapter 3: Tools of Forced Social Interaction – Mastering the 15 Second Conversation

Chapter 4: Rules of Engagement – Mastering the Passive Aggressive Email

Remember in the 5th grade when your teacher paired you with the smelly kid for that group project?  When you complained, she told you, “In the real world, you’re going to have to work with people you don’t like all the time!” 

This wisdom offered little consolation during the pioneer diorama catastrophe of ’95, and unfortunately, she was right.  When you work in a corporate office, it is likely that at least 65% of the people you collaborate with on a daily basis will irritate you to no end.

Hell in a Digital Depiction of a Hand Basket

At the risk of sounding like a crotchety old man, I fear that certain advancements in technology are leading to the downfall of civilization as we know it.

My enjoyment of music has little to do with the physical album or its artwork, so I didn’t care much when music stores disappeared as iTunes became my exclusive provider of jams.  Being accosted by desperate Union Tribune reps on street corners never fazed me either; a born skimmer, I continued to keep myself minimally informed via online news sources.  And mooching off friends with Netflix and access to quality bootlegs has always seemed preferable to a fruitless trip to Blockbuster. 

When it comes to music, news and movies, I’ve been all about technological progress.  But as my inbox becomes increasingly flooded with store closing sale alerts from Borders and Barnes & Noble, the juggernauts of the book industry, because of their inability to compete with e-readers, I’m beginning to realize this has gone too far.

Suddenly the Martin Niemöller “First they came for the communists…” quote seems alarmingly relevant to my shallow life.  Tangible media was being devoured by online alternatives all around me and I never blinked an eye.  Now they’re coming for my books and it appears that we’re at a point of no return.

Sad, Borders. Do you sell books or mattresses?

  

Finally, other blogs are contracting my work

http://fortunefavorsthebrave.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/professional-blogger-mareas-guest-post

I’m mere steps away from being a famous travel writer.